Day 65: “Addiction: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger…”

I don’t know,
I could crash and burn but maybe,
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.
So I won’t worry about my timing I wanna get it right.
No comparing,
Second guessing.
No, not this time..
. – Kelly Clarkson (Sober)

Lately, I haven’t been in the mood to blog. I just don’t feel inspired to compose an entry. Something has been weighing on my heart. I thought it fitting to convey my thoughts and feelings through a video blog. Addiction is a real disease. And I wanted to share a little bit of my story with you. If you know someone suffering from addiction, or you are suffering in silence, please call “The National Drug Helpline” at 1-888-633-3239. They are open 24/7 to help with treatment and recovery options. You are not alone.

Day 60: It’s 5:00am…

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free –
Kelly Clarkson

This morning, my intentions were clear. Get up early, stretch my body, and head to the gym for an early workout. Well, I accomplished one of three. Can you guess which? That is right; I got out of bed at 5:00am. Though it sounds like an excuse, I am simply too tired. In fact, I am physically and mentally exhausted throughout the majority of the day.

I am not sick. I do not believe I suffer from depression or “being bummed out”. I have triumphed over the “Kelly Slump” post-concert. So, what is the deal? I am clearly motivated to challenge myself and achieve my goals. I simply need to push through this “case of the blahs”.  Does anyone have any advice?

As I continue to sort through my feelings and possible explanations for my exhaustion, I leave you with my personal morning motivation (courtesy of Kelly Clarkson):

Day 57: “I just don’t shut up!”

Kelly Clarkson discussing her new talk show:

“Because I’m like, ‘How do I listen?’ I was not good at listening. I just don’t shut up. I think I’m going to be really good at all the other things – just not that one. But I like a challenge.”

“Practice with your husband!”

Listening is not an art form, but rather a learned function of the human intereaction. Good listening skills are acquirable and attainable. I would like to believe I am a good listener. My chosen profession requires me to actively listen to people – colleagues, residents, and prospects alike.

Hearing is the real challenge. And I can categorically say my hearing skills are poor, at best. In fact, more often than not, I only hear what I want to (not what I need to). Perhaps, I will work on my hearing skills – yet another challenge I am willing to accept. But how will I tangibly measure the skill of actually hearing someone? I am open to suggestions.

In other news, I returned to the gym this afternoon. I am ready to hop back on the horse. Please, hold me accountable this week. I need to be held accountable.

Give someone a hug! Do something good for humanity! And remember, don’t be an asshole! Until tomorrow, y’all!

Day 49: Perspective.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting.
Time after time.

– “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper

Last night, as I watched the final “A Minute and Glass of Wine”, I gained some much needed perspective on my feelings. Kelsey Ballerini and Kelly Clarkson covered “Time After Time”. Of course, I shed a tear or two. Okay, I was ugly crying over my glass of wine. After the song had ended, Kelly took her final picture with the audience. The cameras went dark, the viewer count slowly decreased on the live stream and the video ended.

Through the tears, a clear picture emerged. I am going through heavy emotional withdraw after my engagement to Mikey at the Kelly Clarkson concert. When you ride the highest high, eventually the higher you climb, the farther you have to fall. Why should I continue to feel guilty?

One of my friends took the time to make a very powerful comment on my post. She took the time to phrase it using Kelly Clarkson song titles – a language I can understand. And you know what, she is right! I need to “catch my breath”. I need to breathe.

Day 47/48: I didn’t forget…

“God will never give you anything you can’t handle, so don’t stress.” – Kelly Clarkson

As I reflect on Kelly’s quote, I feel so far removed from this blog and challenge. Yesterday, I did not post on my blog. My streak of 46 days in a row of entries was broken. I feel so guilty. Devouring a double cheeseburger with fries dipped in ranch dressing would make me feel less guilty. I am trying to understand my feelings, but I cannot. Why did I fail to post a blog entry? What was more important?

I didn’t forget.

I am open to suggestions on how to fix this problem, or even a healthy, constructive psychological analysis of the situation. Help me figure this out. I need some supportive guidance. I need feedback and direction. Please.